Attack of the Giant Killer Muse!
by agent000
Summary: It's lurking in the dark corners, waiting to overpower you with its inspired ideas. Fear the muse! Muses are evil! It's the Attack of the Giant Killer Muse! Sucks like a fifties horror movie summary, doesn't it?


**_Heh, I forgot to put in a disclaimer before I posted this the first time, so here's the edited version, whoohoo! ((Yeah, that was random, like the rest of this fic, heh.))_**

**_Disclaimer: I don't know much, but I know that I love you...oh wait...that's the wrong song for this...but that sounds a little bit like a disclaimer, doesn't it? ((cough)) Anyway, I don't own nothin', I just pretend I do._**

**_Second Disclaimer: Yes, I inserted myself into this fic. Get over it. How am I supposed to write a fic about insane muses without having the person being inspired ((or rather sabotaged)) by them in the fic?_**

ATTACK OF THE GIANT KILLER MUSE!

Ed raised his eyebrow in a question look and stared at me.

"What?" I asked.

Ed said nothing.

I freaked out and shouted, "What are you doing?? Stop staring at me like that!"

Ed shrugged and finally sat down on the edge of the bed, bouncing it a couple time before settling down. "I was just a bit, uh…perplexed…by that title back there."

"Oh, you saw that, did you?" I said.

"Yeah," at this he proceeded to scratch his head, "I can't make any sense of it. I know I'm your muse, and I like the Giant bit, but what's up with the whole killer thing?"

"You can't be a killer muse?" I asked.

"I doubt it," he said as he chuckled, "Why did you put that there in the first place?"

"To make it sound like a fifties horror movie," I said.

He raised his eyebrow again. "You were trying to make a horror movie…out of a muse?"

"Yeah," I said, completely oblivious to his condescending tone.

"Remind me how a muse is scary."

"They aren't," I said.

"Then why are you trying to make a horror movie about scary muses?"

"First off," I said, "I said 'killer muse', not 'scary muse'. Secondly, a fifties horror movie isn't the least bit scary."

Ed sighed and hung his head. "Like that makes any more sense."

I had just turned back to writing, when I felt another presence enter the room. I spun around just in time to see Harry Potter raising his wand over my head, looking ready to strike. I wasn't sure whether to scream or laugh, so I laughed.

Ed sighed and shook his head. "I told you she wasn't a toad."

Now I finally tried Ed's look of confusion on for size. "He was going to whack me because he thought I was a toad?"

Ed shrugged. "Yeah, he likes to zap toads."

"But he was going to whack me with his wand, not zap me."

"I knew I'd forgotten something," said Harry. "I whack cats, not toads." He paused for a moment, and then turned to me again. "You wouldn't happen to be a cat, would you?"

"Um…no…" I said, condescendingly, "You need to go back to preschool if you can't tell something like that."

"Wizards don't go to preschool," said Harry, "We're never taught the difference between girls and cats."

"Or toads," said Ed, suddenly interrupting.

"Where?!" said Harry, jerking his head around to face Ed. Edward responded by boredly pointing out the door, which caused Harry to leap with glee as he bounded out in pursuit of the elusive toad.

"There, that ought to keep him occupied for awhile," said Ed.

"What'll we do when he discovers there's no toad?"

"We'll deal with that when it happens…ANYWAY…" he turned back to me and gave me a glare, "You still haven't answered my question. What's a killer muse?"

Just then, Roy bashed through the window, looking completely shaken and out of breath. "They're…They're everywhere!"

"What are everywhere?" I asked.

"Penguins!" he shouted.

Ed smirked. "I guess your idea of breeding Ishbalan penguins wasn't such a good idea, huh?"

"Those little things turn murderous in large numbers," Roy affirmed. "They stare at you with their beady little red eyes, and you just know death is imminent…then as they slowly begin to waddle toward you, you finally remember to run."

"Geez, sounds like you've had it rough," said Ed sarcastically, as he propped his chin on his hand.

"Hey, I almost got bitten once!"

"Yep, they sound scary," I said, mimicking Ed's bored tone.

"Well!" said Roy, throwing his fists down by his sides, "I can see that no one here cares about the prospect of world domination by blood-sucking desert penguins! I know when I'm not wanted!" He climbed back through the window. "If you later find a bunch of penguins surrounding my corpse, just remember that my last words were 'cheese monkey'." With that, he was gone.

"Cheese monkey?" I repeated.

Ed rubbed his stomach. "I could really use a cheese monkey right now."

"But what's a cheese monkey?"

"I'll tell you if you tell me what a killer muse is."

Again, before I could answer, the door burst open, and in flew Harry Potter again, looking beat up and out of breath. "We need your help! Ron's getting attacked by killer toads!"

I slapped my forehead. "Now it's killer toads?"

"Well, you started it with your killer muses," said Ed.

"Please, we need help!" said Harry, frantically waving his wand around and jumping up and down. Ed sighed and got up and went out to the door to look for the toads. A moment later he was back.

"You call THOSE toads?"

"Um…yeah…" said Harry, sheepishly, "They're a special black and white variety."

"Last time I checked," said Ed, "Those were Ishbalan penguins, and they were after Roy and plotting world domination."

Harry once again began waving his wand around in a frenzy, sending sparks out of it this time. "Well…whatever they are…you've got to help us! They're biting Ron!"

"Hasn't he remember to run by now?"

"…No…"

Ed rolled his eyes. It seemed he was surrounded by idiots. "Fine then, gimme that." He swiped Harry's wand, strolled out into the hall, pointed it at a penguin, and shouted, "Sectumsempra!" The penguin exploded in a bloody mess.

"Whoa, dude!" said Harry, suddenly running onto the scene, "That was like, total overkill, dude! What did you do that for?"

"It's the only spell I know, for some random reason," said Ed as he handed Harry's wand back to him, "And don't say 'dude'. It sounds wrong coming from you."

Just then, Roy poked his head through the window once again and said, "Remember, my last words were 'cheese monkey'."

"What the heck is a cheese monkey?" I yelled, but Roy had already disappeared by then.

"What the heck is a killer muse?" said Ed as he strolled back into the room. I screamed and jumped up, pointing at Ed. "What?" said Ed.

"You're covered in penguin blood!" I said, "You're going to turn into a killer penguin!"

"No, he's going to turn into a killer toad!" said Harry, coming back into the room.

"Cheese monkey!" said Roy as his head popped in and then out of sight once again.

"No," said Ed in the most serious tone he had used in this whole fic, "I'm turning into a…killer muse."

I screamed, Harry waved his wand around in a panic, and we all heard a plop outside the window, so I guessed that Roy had finally fallen off his perch. Harry shot up a few flares from his wand, and in the distraction, I ran out of the room, only to hear all three idiots laughing behind me. Yep, muses were evil. And I still hadn't found out what a cheese monkey was!

"YOU'VE NEVER HEARD OF A CHEESE MONKEY?" said a booming voice from behind me that I knew could only be one person. Major Armstrong didn't know how to turn the volume down. I shivered in fright as I turned around to face him.

"THE FINE ART OF CHEESE MONKEYNESS HAS BEEN PASSED DOWN THROUGH THE ARMSTRONG LINE FOR GENERATIONS!" He then grabbed my arm and slowly dragged me away as he continued talking, oblivious to my turmoil. "IT STARTED IN 1823, WHEN MY GREAT-GREAT-GRANDFATHER ARMSTRONG…"

The only condolence of the whole situation was that I was finally able to answer Ed's question. Ed was not the muse in the title. The Gigantic Killer Muse had just abducted me, and I knew my remaining time was limited. Like I said, muses were evil, but some were downright scary. I only hope that my selfless sacrifice enables others to steer clear of the Gigantic Killer Muse, and therefore never have to learn what a cheese monkey is.

"What's a cheese monkey?" asked Harry.

"Can it!" said Ed.

**_So um...if you're still alive after having a face to face meeting with Armstrong, then I would most happy to hear about your success stories and your escape techniques. ((Snickers)) Yes, that translates into my asking you if you'd consider reviewing, but you can talk about your confrontations with Armstrong if you want. I'd be highly amused. (("Muse"d, get it?...uh, sorry.))_**


End file.
